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Inside out

By Aqsa Azam

11-year-old Jim was highly agoraphobic-to the point he couldn’t go to school, didn’t have any close friends, and hadn’t stepped outside ever since the day his bullies took things too far. The bullies had thankfully moved but the impact they had left on Jim hadn’t. The bullies had been rightly reported but what could anyone do when they were far gone from the area. Jim could only hope that karma would get them one day. His parents had made him go to therapy a few times but it had been unsuccessful and his parents had stopped.

As a result, Jim had made his entire world inside his house. Not outside. Never outside. This included school too. The local middle school had made arrangements for Jim so he could attend his classes online. He had been given an interesting assignment in his English class, to be submitted after a week. His assignment was to make a list of heroes over the next week. It could be anyone, doing anything ‘heroic’.

And so it began.

Jim’s classmates gathered every day of the week and went to public places, keeping their eyes peeled for heroes. But Jim’s agoraphobia confined him in his house so he took refuge by the window in his bedroom upstairs. The window offered a considerable view of the neighborhood so it suited Jim.

The first day, he noted down the following on his hero list:

-Mr. Seth walking his dog

-Mr. Winston watering the lawn

-Little James turning over an upside down beetle with a stick

-Mrs. Greene baking us cookies

The second day, his list was graced by three more heroes:

-3-year-old Kate feeding a stray cat

-Mr. Murphy teaching his 5-year-old son, Billy, to ride a cycle

-Mr. Black returning home from his evening hospital shift

The third day, his list included the following:

-Kate and Billy playing with the cat

-Billy’s dad teaching Kate to ride the cycle

The fourth day, Jim’s list included:

-Dad planting a tree

-Mom cooking me my favorite blueberry pancakes

The fifth day, he only got one:

-My brother playing all evening with me even though he could have gone out with his friends

The sixth day, he got nothing despite sitting at the window for hours. Or he just didn’t look hard enough. But he soon realized if he wanted a few more things to put on his list, he would have to go Outside. Outside with a capital O-the place where all his fears resided and would come to haunt him again. Just thinking about it made Jim’s throat tighten and his stomach churn. He felt nauseous and dizzy. But he still dragged himself down to the front door. A portal to a world he was terrified of but a world he must face one day.

He stood before the door, shaking, his hand gripping the door knob tight, the knuckles of his hand white.The fear in him took hold-it was sprouting and blooming, creeping into each and every nook and crevice of his body, paralyzing him. And then the fear became too much so he returned to his room.

The seventh day, his list included:

-Mr. Black hosted an evening party because ‘things were getting too boring in the neighborhood’

Everybody went to that party except him, his parents and his brother. They claimed they were too tired from work or school to go but Jim knew better. They wanted to keep him company so he wouldn’t feel alone. Jim appreciated it though so he put it on his list.

-My family stayed with me at home even though they could have easily gone to Mr. Black’s party.

Jim and his classmates got two extra days what with it being Saturday and Sunday when they had no classes. Jim had two more days to defeat his fear. On Saturday, he made another pilgrimage to the door.

“Are you sure you should be doing his?” His mom remarked when she saw him by the door.

“I want to do this Mom, for myself and for my future.”

“Okay, I trust you, Jim. You do know we are here for you if things get overwhelming, right?”

“Yeah I know. I just don’t want to be like this anymore Mom. I hate being confined.”

“I know. Good luck Jim sweetie. You have all our support. Don’t overdo yourself, okay?”

Jim nodded and turned back towards the door. Everything was the same as before-same paralyzing fear and dread, same anxiety and negative thoughts. It became more suffocating, more painful and more poisonous when he opened the door. The intensity of his fear drove bullets into his soul and he slammed the door, breathing heavily. With slumped shoulders, he slid down and sat there cursing himself, hating himself, insulting himself. His mom came and sat with him, holding and squeezing his
hand reassuringly. Jim was grateful. When the battle in him had abated, he went to his room and calmed himself down by watching his favorite movie in his pillow fort with the fairy lights on.

He couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to get it over with. Wanting to open the door and step out. To feel free, ecstatic, light. To float and melt away. So hours later, he went for another try armed with
chocolates, pep talks, courage, hugs of encouragement from his family and deep breaths. This time he made it out on the driveway before chickening out. He came inside, disappointed and stormed upstairs, leaving worried parents in his wake. Jim felt defeated. He couldn’t see how he could overcome his fear in such a short time. He was determined though. No matter how many success stories he read about people overcoming agoraphobia after weeks or months, he wouldn’t let it discourage him. He would become a success story of his own.

He was so consumed in this quest, he forgot all about his heroes list. It lay somewhere on his desk, lost amidst piles of books and stray papers but was found again the next morning by a very resolute Jim. It was a Sunday and today was the day he would finally conquer his fear. He was sure of it.

He opened the door and sat there as the sky outside lightened. He sat there for 15 minutes talking gently to himself-telling himself it was going to be alright, it was going to be okay, it was okay to feel so paralyzed with fear but he couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t let that fear dictate him. He had had enough.

He then walked to the end of the driveway and repeated the pep talk, ignoring everything around him. He let himself breathe, acknowledged his fear and tried to gently let it go.

15 minutes and then he stood up and walked across the street. 15 minutes and then down the street.

15 minutes and then the bus stop.

15 minutes and then the park.

He looked out for heroes during his walk which helped keep his fear at bay. And soon, he forgot he was ever afraid because he was so engrossed in people-watching and trying not to get caught while at it. As a result, his list grew and when he was happy, he headed home and sent his finished assignment to his teacher.

Miss Becker sat down to check her students’ work that she had given them a week ago. She read through them all with interest, noting how widely different her students defined heroes. She was most excited about Jim’s work because being an agoraphobic, this assignment would have been difficult for him and she was curious about how he had gotten his work done. She took out Jim’s work and read through his list:

-Mr. Seth walking his dog

-Mr. Winston watering the lawn

-Little James turning over an upside down beetle with a stick

-Mrs. Greene baking us cookies

-3-year-old Kate feeding a stray cat

-Mr. Murphy teaching his 5-year-old son, Billy, to ride a cycle

-Mr. Black returning home from his evening hospital shift

-Kate and Billy playing with the cat

-Billy’s dad teaching Kate to ride the cycle

-Dad planting a tree

-Mom cooking me my favorite blueberry pancakes

-My brother playing all evening with me even though he could have just gone out with his friends

-Mr. Black hosting an evening party because ‘things were getting too boring in the neighborhood’

-My family staying with me at home even though they could have easily gone to Mr. Black’s party

-The mailman doing his rounds

-A teenager soothing her younger sister

-Another teenager teaching a kid to roller-skate

-A boy giving his ice-cream to his brother

-A father managing to soothe his infant son

The list was so precious it warmed Miss. Becker’s heart. She smiled, and then beamed as her eyes came to rest upon the final item on Jim’s list:

-I overcame my fear and went outside to get this list done

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